The spam that looked like an IT management resumé

Shane Schick

14 years ago

Funny, I thought spam was supposed to be somehow interesting in order to lure us in.

Earlier today, however, we received a couple of versions of the same message, purportedly from someone seeking work in IT. This is not an uncommon occurrance at IT World Canada. However, not long afterwards our IT manager told us it was spam and to delete it. I'm not sure if its many attachments contained malware; I just do what my IT department tells me.

In looking over the content, though, I was struck by how this (possibly fictious?) individual tried to present him or herself. If this was real — and I suspect it had to come from somewhere — it offers some good examples of what not to do in your resume. My comments in red.

Dear Sir/Mdm,

With the enclosed resume, I would like to make you aware of my considerable background in the management of information systems and in the development of stateof-the-art software and business applications.

I would appreciate an opportunity to show you in person, soon, that I am the resourceful and technically astute individual you are looking for.

I would like to introduce you to my background as a natural leader with a talent for training and supervising others along with strong technical computer skills which I could put to work for your organization, express my interest in exploring employment opportunities with your organization and make you aware of my versatile abilities which could complement your goals. Although I have been very successful as a Tourist Guide and have enjoyed the challenge of educating young minds, I have decided that I would like to apply my skills to benefit a company in the computer industry.

Pointless. Conveys no meaningful information other than the fact that the person was once a “tourist guide,” which is about as relevant as telling a potential employer you once flipped burgers at McDonald's. Leave this stuff out.

My OBJECTIVE is To offer a reputation as an adaptable quick learner known to an organization that can benefit from my technical aptitude, ability to effectively train and work well with others, creativity, and experience in working with computers and telecommunications.

Programmer / DataBase Developer / Network Administrator:

Since 1995: As you will see from my resume, I hold a degree in Computer Science and previously completed extensive coursework at the University of Jordan in Computer Science, After the University of Jordan, I became employed by the Case Company and worked for that corporation for 3 years as a Product Support Manager. I resigned from my position when the company asked me to accept a promotion which required relocation to their home office in Irbid. At that point, I decided to complete the college degree which I had begun many years earlier, and I have worked part-time as a business consultant while completing my B.S. I have completed courses related to HTML, Java, Visual Basic, C and C++, UNIX, and Interfacing, and I was making plans to pursue Oracle in my spare time., I was recruited in 1996 by a fast-growing corporation experiencing rapid expansion to oversee the design and implementation of its MIS activities at 80 store locations. I was promoted to IT Officer of Management Information Systems in the process of making major contributions to efficiency, productivity, and profitability. We have replaced store computers with a Windows-based system that reduced manual record keeping and since then I have been designing the implementation of the second phase of this reengineering project. We are also developing an intranet for stores, supervisors, and other office personnel, and I have personally designed and conducted training and support for all job levels, from top executives, to store management, to entry-level employees.

The project details are good but you need to add what was achieved in terms of costs savings, revenue generation, productivity, etc. I find the term “making plans to pursue Oracle” interesting. Did you ever actually do it? If not, why tell anyone? And since you've basically been here for the last 15 years, why are you looking now?

Network Expert / OS IT Administrator / Junior System Analyst (Since 2000):

Though my previous work experience is not as highly team leading in nature, I think you will see that I have proven myself to be a hard-working and reliable employee, as well as a capable supervisor. Most of the jobs shown on my resume were jobs I held while simultaneously completing courses toward my professional degree (MCSE NT4). Now that I have finished my degree, I am anxious to utilize my knowledge of communications and Analysis of technology, My strong work ethic, education, and technical know-how would be an asset to your organization.

Generic. Says nothing about the actual job. If you want to be a leader, demonstrate what kind of initiative you've offered, even in the most junior roles.

Professional Developer / Administrator / Senior Systems Analyst & Engineer:

Since Jan 2002: In my prior position, I was promoted in a track record of advancement with a company/Ministries which developed software products for the telecommunications industry. During that time I transformed a failing operation which was losing money into an efficient and profitable business while reengineering a product which became the standard of Software Development.

How?

My software knowledge is vast, as you will also see from my resume, and I offer recent experience with Oracle Development/Administration C++/C# as well as Intranet and Web Services Development, Business Modules, and Training.

No one cares.

I can provide outstanding personal and professional references at the appropriate time, and I can assure you in advance that I have a reputation for building and maintaining effective working relationships with people at all organizational levels. If my skills, experience, and talents interest you, please contact me. Thank you in advance for your professional courtesies.

I'm also Skilled in the installation and operation of computer software, am highly knowledgeable of Microsoft PowerPoint, Word, Excel, and Access, as well as Internet Explorer, Outlook, & technical Windows NT2K, 2K3, 2K8.

If you can use a highly motivated, intelligent young communications and IT professional, I hope you will contact me to suggest a convenient time when we might meet to discuss your present and future needs, and how I might meet them.

Good luck. You'll need it — as a spammer or otherwise.